Stolen land is all the rage in the news lately. These days, everyone gets a free pass to do as many fun crimes as they want on land swiped from indigenous peoples, as long as they keep pointing out that the land was stolen.
Here are 12 awesome crimes that are incredibly easy to get away with if you just remind everyone that they're on stolen land.
Not paying your property taxes: You shouldn't be forced to pay property taxes if that property was stolen.
Jaywalking: Crossing the road illegally isn't a crime if colonists already crossed the line of stealing someone else's land.
Scalping a whitey: A harmless and fun activity to decolonize your neighborhood.
Being a musician where instead of singing you do this breathy, quiet mumbling to laptop music: This should be punishable by death, but on stolen land, anything goes.
Handing out blankets infected with smallpox: A proven way to get the better end of a trade.
Walking around a food court and taking bites of everyone's food: Just like how the pilgrims went around taking bites out of all of the natives' food.
Being one item over in the express lane: Colonialism renders all other rules null and void.
Burning down Minneapolis: It's the least we can do for the Mdewakanton, Wahpekute, Sisseton, and Wahpeton peoples who lived there first.
Daycare fraud: It's even state-sanctioned.
Putting Sprite in a water cup: Oh, stealing soda is "bad"? What about stealing ancestral homes?
Sneeze without covering your mouth: If anyone tries to correct you, just remind them that the ground they're standing on was robbed from the Iroquois.
Wearing socks with sandals: Just kidding — this one is never, ever OK.
In other words, you can basically do whatever you want. Because "stolen land" and whatnot. What other enjoyable legal infractions can someone get away with on stolen land? Post them in the comments.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
