U.S. — In a startling turn of events, experts confirmed a statement made by Billie Eilish at the Grammys when she said that no one is illegal on stolen land. However, the experts did make a specific exception singling out Jeff.
"It is true, that no human being is illegal, but it's important to remember that Jeff is an exception to this rule," said one expert, whose name is not Jeff.
"Jeff is super lame."
There's nothing inherently illegal about Jeff, experts said. His existence doesn't violate natural law in any way, but he is, according to experts, the absolute worst. "I, for one, will never talk to Jeff again," said Dave, a Harvard biologist. "Jeff is the worst."
According to Jeff, the experts' official opinion is "super mean," and he hopes to convince everyone of his merits. "No one will take my calls," Jeff said.
At publishing time, singer Billie Eilish apologized for saying that no one is illegal. "I should've specified that no one is illegal except Jeff. I hope my fans will forgive me," she said.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
