MILAN — The most prestigious athletic event on the world stage issued a clear political statement this week, as the Winter Olympics announced it would be protesting U.S. President Donald Trump's immigration policies by removing all ice from the skating rinks.
The International Olympic Committee made the announcement just days before the 2026 Winter Games were set to begin, revealing that, for the first time ever, events like hockey, pairs figure skating, and speed skating would all take place on a hardwood basketball court instead of an ice rink.
"Ice out!" shouted Ingrid Morkelsen, a spokesperson for the IOC, as part of the public announcement. "We will not tolerate ice here at the Olympic Games. The international community has been sickened by the Trump administration's efforts to enforce laws and keep Americans safe, so we decided that the Olympics could not remain silent. We do not support or condone fascism, and as a symbolic gesture, all events will take place without any ice."
Though experts said the athletes would work to adapt quickly to the change, some expressed concern about how it would affect the events. "I mean, the sport is literally called ‘ice skating,'" said one analyst. "I've never tried to skate on a hardwood surface, but it doesn't seem like it would work very well."
The analyst was then promptly escorted off the premises and banned from re-entering the Olympic venues for uttering the word "ice."
At publishing time, the IOC had also issued a preemptive public apology to the world at large for the whiteness of the snow.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
