WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over 300 "journalists" were reportedly caught totally off guard this week when an obsolete media outlet that loses in excess of $100 million annually was forced to let them go.
The Washington Post laid off roughly a third of its entire workforce on Wednesday, leading to the elimination of the entire sports section, the cutting of foreign correspondents, and the end of a seven-year project to determine the most racist soup.
"What kind of a world do we live in where struggling businesses can just lay off their employees?" one reporter asked. "We should be able to keep our jobs forever, no matter how many hundreds of millions of dollars the company loses."
Journalists spread across the globe and put up in expensive hotels found the proverbial rug pulled out from under them as their stays were cut short and they were forced to go home with a comfortable severance package. "How could this have happened?" wept former Ukraine correspondent Susan Court. "The world will never hear about the subtle racism of Ukrainian delis now."
Laid-off journalists reportedly took to the streets to cry in the corners of cafes, subways, and social media platforms. In a post on X, former culture reporter Diane Keurig described an incident where she was crying on the street, and three people came to comfort her. "I told them Stephen Spielberg made a movie about us. Doesn't that mean anything? But they had no idea what I was talking about."
"I was shocked when I heard the news," said Thomas Blaine, a former financial reporter. "I don't even know what money is, if I'm being honest."
At publishing time, the paper's owner, Jeff Bezos, admitted that he had forgotten that he owned it. "Seems like something I wouldn't buy," he said. "Really bad investment."
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
