SANTA CLARA, CA — The NFL confirmed that this year's Super Bowl, which normally starts at 6:30 Eastern, will be delayed until 11:30 PM to give everyone time to sing a separate national anthem for America's 165 different racial groups.
"We need to make sure everyone is included," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "We will start with 'The Star Spangled Banner,' which we're pretty sure is the white national anthem, and then follow that up with 'Lift Every Voice and Sing' for the blacks. Then, we'll just kinda keep going from there until we get them all sung. This will fix racism."
Other songs confirmed in the lineup include "Hava Nagila" for the Jews, "La Cucaracha" for the Mexicans, and Soundgarden's "Blow Up the Outside World" for the Arabs.
"We're even including 'Dancing Queen' for the gay races," said Goodell proudly. "It's gonna be so inclusive, which is what football is all about, when you think about it."
Critics condemned the NFL's decision and claimed that "The Star Spangled Banner" was supposed to be a unifying anthem for everyone. Goodell then responded to the critics by calling them racists.
"To cure racism, we must segregate all people groups at all times," he said.
At publishing time, the NFL had elected to get rid of "The Star Spangled Banner" for the whites and replace it with "Cotton Eye Joe."
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
