PORTLAND, OR—A breaking news report indicated Friday that local woman Cindy Bryer made it home from the store alive while wearing a "Make America Great Again" ballcap.
Incredulous reporters arrived on the scene to confirm the outlandish news, but it seemed to be true. Bryer didn't have a scratch on her and clearly had been wearing the MAGA hat all day long. She wasn't accosted, insulted, beaten, or killed. She just walked to the store and walked back in broad daylight---in Portland.
"Sometimes, this stuff happens, sadly," a CNN reporter said. "You can't get them all. Once in a while, they slip through the cracks. But don't worry, Cindy: we'll dox you to make sure you get your due."
Bryer had gone into a witness protection program for her own safety at publishing time.