MIDWATER, OR - A shocking new investigation has revealed that Pastor Fred T. Cook of First Baptist Church has been bribing congregants to shout "Amen!" during his sermons for the past 15 years.

Whenever Pastor Fred would say, "Can I get an amen?" he'd reliably receive a half-dozen of them from the crowd. The number of amens he got was so frequent and consistent that elders began to grow suspicious and launched an investigation.

"We found that Cook spent tens of thousands of dollars purchasing amens over the past decade or so," the lead investigator, who is also head of the church potluck committee, said. "He paid $20 for an amen, $50 for a 'Yes, pastor, preach it!' and $100 for a fake convert during the altar call. This goes all the way to the top."

Cook has denied any wrongdoing, saying a "love offering" to show his "appreciation" for congregants' enthusiasm isn't technically against church bylaws.

At publishing time, a further report had concluded that Cook had been colluding with the Methodists.