TULSA, OK — A local woman found herself torn between appreciating the copious amount of compliments you continually give her — comparing her to a shot of Tennessee whiskey and a glass of brandy — and bringing up the uncomfortable suggestion that you consider joining Alcoholics Anonymous.
"It's sweet. It really is. It's just…I think you have a problem," she said. "Don't get me wrong, when you told me you looked forward to seeing me like you look forward to an ice-cold beer after a long day at work, I was flattered. And when you said the smell of my perfume reminded you of drinking Mai Tais on the beach? Lovely. Made me feel so great. But…you really do talk a lot about drinking. In fact, that's all you compare me to. Maybe you should get some help."
The woman stressed how appreciative she is of your kindness, but she recently started to read between the lines. "It's become a little too obvious," she said. "When you made that grand profession of love for me in front of everyone at that restaurant, saying being with me is as smooth as Tennessee whiskey and as comforting as a glass of aged brandy, everyone thought it was so thoughtful and sweet, but you slurred the end of it and ended up falling into the dessert cart. Seriously, let's get you some help."
At publishing time, she expressed a willingness to stick with you through your treatment and recovery as long as you don't ever, ever give her a compliment by coming up with a metaphor for Bud Light.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
