DENVER, CO — Colorado Supreme Court Justice William Hood devoured a large bag of Funyuns while delivering the court's ruling that Trump "can't, like, be on the ballot, bro."
A cloud of smoke emanated from the bench as the seven giggling judges sat for the reading of the court's decision. "After reviewing these, like, arguments and stuff," began Justice Hood as he opened a second bag of Funyuns. "The seven of us -- hold on, can we just, like, stop for a moment to think about the number seven? There's so much symbolism - or is it symbology? - about the number seven. Dude, it brings a, like, spiritual element to the whole thing. So, yeah, we decided Trump can't, like, be elected, man."
Justice Hood then presented to the court reporter the majority decision, which was scrawled on a Jimmy John's napkin. "We just, like, saved America," said Justice Melissa Hart, giving Justice Hood a high-five. "It feels so good, saving America. Oh, man, you know what else feels good? Pancakes. They're so fluffy. We need to hit Waffle House, that place is so lit."
At publishing time, the rest of America had kindly asked if the judges in Colorado could sober up just a smidge before issuing rulings that the rest of the country has to fix.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
