FLORENCE, SC — Local wife and mother Paula Haybrook gently asked her husband of 12 years if he was planning to remove his "Roman soldier" costume any time soon now that Halloween is over.
"My name is Justinius Valor and I am yet to spread the glory of Rome to the northern lands," said Glenn Haybrook. "So, no."
According to neighbors, Paula has tried to be patient with her husband since Halloween ended but isn't sure how to get through to him. She thought about inviting all his friends over to bully him but — throwing yet another wrench into her plans — her husband doesn't have any friends.
"Please," Paula pleaded on another occasion. "I want my husband back. The kids want their father back!" Unfortunately, this was a grave error on her part because it set her husband up to come back with a tremendous Gladiator response.
"Are you not entertained?!" he shouted while cutting the air before him with his mighty gladius.
Paula Haybrook was forced to admit that she was not entertained.
At publishing time, the matter was resolved when Paula remembered she could just seduce her husband.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
