BLUE SPRINGS, MO — Authorities have advised the public to be on the lookout due to an obviously sociopathic friend of yours who may be calling you just to talk. Officials warn that this type of action from your friend is a clear indication that they are, in fact, a total weirdo.
"Why would my friend do that?" asked John Garrett upon learning the news. "More importantly, why would I want to be friends with someone who…you know…wants to like, call me and stuff. That's just…weird. Why would he…why?"
Garrett's friend, a now-suspected sociopath identified as one Brad Jones, is believed to be wanting to call John up "just to chat for a bit." As the news spread among John's family and other friends, their concern about Brad's mental state grew. "That's just not normal," said John's wife, Erica. "It's 2023. He wants to call John? Like…on the phone? That's just disturbing."
In an age where a greater emphasis is being placed on warning signs of mental health crises, more and more people are casting sideways glances at family and acquaintances who make contact via telephone. "Phone calls are for emergencies, end of story," said Sociology Professor Blake Rumsey of the Knowledge Institute. "Any other type of contact made by telephone in today's world should be taken as a massive red flag of psychosis."
At publishing time, with family gathered around him for both emotional support and protection, John was waiting anxiously by his phone, wringing his hands and silently hoping that a meteor would strike his home and prevent him from having to take the call.
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