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Woman Achieves Immortality After Falling Into Vat Of Essential Oils

LEHI, UT—While touring the Young Living essential oils factory, local woman Karen Nicolle fell into a vat of essential oils, granting herself immortality.

She emerged from the surface of the oils, her eyes glowing as her body achieved full immortality. She also smelled of lavender and primrose.

"Foolish mortals!" she cried as she surfaced from the potent blend of essential oils. "I have peered into eternity and beheld the depths of the universe. I have seen nebulae spiraling off the edges of galaxies light-years away. I have straddled the stars and peered into the face of God. I know all things, past, present, and future. I have seen the starlight glinting off the primordial ooze of ancient eons past, approximately 6,000 years ago."

"Plus, my skin feels amazing."

Sadly, the oils still don't seem to be working on her lower back pain.

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