We are proud to announce that we are placing all of our support behind Mike Bloomberg for president in the 2020 election. He’s the only candidate that can save our country and look cool while doing it!
Sure, he’ll hand out pallets of cash to anyone that so much as looks in his general direction, but we’re not influenced by that. We respect a man of his stature and frankly, all the other candidates come up short in comparison. Truly we couldn’t care less about him paying off our mortgages and buying us an Olympic-sized pool -- that’s just what pals like Ol’ Mike do.
We polled everyone on staff and they all said that they wanted a candidate they could look up to. Someone whose economic policies definitely wouldn’t end record-breaking employment tnumbers or cause our stocks to go down. And we are sick and tired of being able to defend ourselves and our families in this sick 2nd amendment-loving, free country. So that’s why we need Mike Bloomberg (May he live forever) to come and take all of our scary and evil guns away.
In fact, we used to think that Trump is cool because he had all that money, but whoa, were we wrong. Bloomberg has way more money than that peasant Donald Trump. And with that much money, he must be really smart and right about everything. He couldn’t possibly be that rich and wrong!
Again, we are in no way sponsored by Mike Bloomberg (May all his enemies crumble). But in other news, we are considering changing our name to the Bloomberg Bee. We just love him that much!
- Sent from the new Babylon Bee private jet gifted from our pal Mike.
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Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.
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