With Ban On International Students, Harvard Forced To Begin Accepting Students From Ohio

CAMBRIDGE, MA — With the Trump administration banning Harvard University from taking international students, the school was forced to begin accepting students from Ohio.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," said Harvard Dean of Admissions Phil Donahue. "I never thought we would fall so far. I've spent my entire life trying to never even speak to someone from Ohio, much less allow them into Harvard. This is rock bottom."

With international students unable to attend and hundreds of admissions slots to fill, the University began considering what was once unthinkable: allowing human beings from the Midwest on campus. "Maybe we can let someone from Illinois in. Do they speak English there? I'm not familiar," said Don Harmon, Vice Dean of Admissions. "I suppose these students will want to bring their chickens and hay to the dorm, I believe that's what these people like. Appalling. This feels like inviting baboons to a royal wedding."

Despite its best efforts, Harvard remained unable to fill its final slots and ultimately made the difficult decision to begin accepting students from Ohio. "We have to face reality. We have to face Ohio," said Donahue. "After centuries of keeping Harvard Ohio-less, today we are mailing our first acceptance letters to Columbus. I'm literally throwing up in my mouth saying it."

At publishing time, the students in Ohio had laughed heartily for hours at the idea that any of them would ever want to go to Harvard over Ohio State.