LOS ANGELES, CA — As news filtered out that there was one, lone winning lottery ticket in last night's $1.1 billion Powerball jackpot drawing, speculation ran rampant about what the lucky winner would buy first. In a rare public statement for a Powerball recipient, the winner has announced he will finally be able to afford an apartment in L.A.
"This massive sum of money will finally let me rent a modest studio apartment," said the winner, who is a lawyer, hedge fund manager, and part-time plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. "I've been a California resident my whole life, but I've always lived in a Coleman tent since that was all I could afford. Winning the Powerball means I'll finally be wealthy enough to have a roof over my head. I'm so excited!"
With real estate and rental property prices skyrocketing in the area over the years, many residents of Golden State have put all their hopes on winning lottery jackpots in order to be able to afford the high cost of living. Other jealous Californians who desperately hope to one day have enough money to find a place to live in the state will now have to turn their attention to the next lottery jackpot.
At publishing time, the winner was scheduling meetings with real estate agents while purchasing a ticket for next week's Powerball drawing, thinking another win might let him eat a meal without digging through dumpsters for food.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
