U.S. — In an attempt to avoid further injury and traumatic incidents involving Caucasians eating food that's far too spicy for them, the scientists behind the Scoville Scale have announced they are releasing a separate spiciness scale for white people.
"We had to do something to save all those white folks," said Dr. Glenn Jacobs, lead researcher on the Scoville team. "We've been inundated with reports of white people suffering severe injuries while attempting to impress other people by ingesting foods that rank near the top of the scale. This new scale will likely save countless lives."
The Scoville Scale, originally developed in 1912 by a pharmacist searching for a heat-producing ointment, measures the intensity of heat in different foods, such as peppers and hot sauces. The scale has gone through numerous updates over the years as new breeds of peppers and spicier foods have been created. "It became clear that a new whites-specific scale was necessary," said Dr. Jacobs. "While a very minute percentage of Caucasians can tolerate truly spicy food, we found a startling number of white people who think Heinz ketchup is too spicy. Something needed to be done to address this."
The new Scoville Scale for White Folks (which is its official title), features a heat scale that begins with mayonnaise and works its way up to the (according to many whites) blistering heat of Taco Bell's "mild" sauce.
At publishing time, obstacles in the rollout of the new scale were already arising, as several Caucasian test subjects were left red-faced and sweating after eating a single Cool Ranch Dorito.
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