UZ — Though his wife and friends had expressed doubt that his situation could grow any worse, local embattled patriarch Job was heard crying out in intense grief yet again as he watched Michigan win the College Football Championship.

After losing all 10 of his children and his entire herd of livestock and developing an excruciating condition that manifested itself in painful sores all over his body, the now destitute man was forced to endure still more horrific torture by witnessing the corrupt University of Michigan football team defeat the Washington Huskies.

"Why do the wicked prosper?" Job was heard crying aloud as Michigan extended its lead in the fourth quarter of the championship game. "Why did I not die at birth, come out from the womb and expire? Michigan was caught red-handed stealing coaching signals, a clear violation of NCAA rules, for which Head Coach Jim Harbaugh was suspended for three games, yet here they are, winning the most prestigious title in all of college athletics! Why, Lord, why?!"

Job's friends sat by silently, hoping their presence would somehow comfort their suffering companion. Job's wife, though sad to watch her husband fall even further into despair, expressed relief that football season was finally over. "Do you still hold fast to your hope of seeing the most hated teams lose?" she asked Job. "Curse God and die."

"You speak as one of the foolish women would speak," Job replied. "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil? There's always next season. Plus, Harbaugh might bolt for the NFL."

At publishing time, Job was last seen scraping his sores with a piece of broken pottery after hearing the NFL's worst officiating crew had been assigned to the Chiefs' playoff game.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.