WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rumors about Joe Biden's fitness to remain in the presidential race intensified this week, as White House visitor logs revealed the Grim Reaper had visited over eight times.
The shocking news comes as even staunch Democrats began calling for Biden to step aside in favor of another candidate, with the Grim Reaper visits raising questions about not only Biden's health but his status as a living human being.
"Yes, Death himself has been here multiple times," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "The fact that the Grim Reaper has visited the White House is nothing out of the ordinary and is actually a matter of privacy for the president and his family. We frankly don't see how it should be anyone's business why Death has been making regular trips here."
Witnesses reported seeing an ominous black-cloaked figure stalking outside the Oval Office and the presidential quarters. "At first we thought it was Hillary Clinton," said one onlooker. "But we knew she hasn't had any place or business at the White House for years now. You know . . . because she's not the president. The black robe, the skull face, the huge scythe . . . I don't know who else it could be but the Grim Reaper."
Administration insiders refused to comment on reports that President Biden passed away shortly after he took office in January 2021 but did confirm that Death had been given security clearance and a name badge.
At publishing time, White House staff had also revealed that it was completely normal for sitting presidents to be measured and fitted for caskets.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
