OSWEGO, NY — In a puzzling mystery of modern science, a local man found this week that even after a light 10-minute jog, his visible layer of belly fat had not disappeared.
After noticing he was starting to get a bit pudgy around the middle, Scott Waffleman decided to take back control of his life with one brisk jog around his local park. After a full 10 minutes of intermittent running, however, Scott was shocked to discover that his abdominal fat had not given way to a lean six pack.
"It's really discouraging," he said. "And not only that, it's frustrating to put in all that work and effort to get no results. I mean, I only stopped jogging to check my phone six times during that 10 minutes!"
Scott's medical mystery was under investigation by several of the top doctors on the East Coast who said they were thus far "baffled."
"It's a strange case," said Dr. Herb Darden. "This man made the decision to change his life, and despite jogging at a low speed for 10 minutes, he remains obese. We can only speculate that he's eating too much meat."
Just to be safe, Waffleman's doctors prescribed Scott several antidepressants and two new COVID-19 boosters and advised him to use the words "metabolism" and "glandular" as much as possible.
At publishing time, Scott had retired back to his couch to console himself with a party-size bag of Peanut M&M's.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
