WASHINGTON, DC — In an ingenious move commonly used by pet owners, White House staff members have announced that they will be fitting Joe Biden with a custom-made jingle bell collar that will make it easier for them to locate the wayward President when he wanders off aimlessly.
"I did the same thing with my dog Ringworm when he would just disappear sometimes," said Rebecca Gaffney, a special aide to the President who previously worked as a special needs nanny. "With how frequently the President absent-mindedly wanders away through the White House halls, having a way to find him quickly will make things easier for all of us."
Members of the President's elite Secret Service detail have been frustrated since Biden took office and have tried various methods of restraint and containment to no avail. "We used baby gates at the beginning, but he still managed to step over them despite his lack of physical coordination," said Chris Wilson, the Secret Service agent tasked with keeping tabs on the President. "After that, we tried using a leash, but we had to take it off for photo ops and press conferences and he would find a way to roam off every time."
At publishing time, White House staff were awaiting the arrival of the special collar while attempting to keep the President corralled in the West Wing. "If this doesn't work, who knows what we'll have to try next," Wilson said. "I'd hate to have to resort to using a shock collar with an invisible fence on someone in the President's condition."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.