WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden's COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy.
"Yes, the President has COVID but the person running the country — Bob? I think Bob is in charge today — is in perfect health at the moment," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Don't worry everyone! Bob's got everything under control!"
The press room erupted into a flurry of questions wanting to know who "Bob" was, but Jean-Pierre ignored them to flip through her notebook for several minutes before saying "Oh, I'm sorry, I made a mistake. Bob was in charge yesterday. It's Doug's turn today."
As the press began to frantically ask about "Doug," Jean-Pierre concluded by saying "The President has been clear from the beginning, and agrees, that the time to be clear about our agreement is now, and this COVID diagnosis will not affect his ability to act as President while Doug runs the country today. Thank you very much." She then walked out of the room.
At publishing time, anonymous sources confirmed that Doug is on vacation this week so Sam is actually running the country.
UPDATE: Sam has COVID.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
