WASHINGTON, D.C. — Only one day after Biden's miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID. Doctors say that the twice-boosted president only has mild symptoms, but has tragically lost his keen sense of smell. The White House will continue to provide updates and notify the country if his condition worsens.

Vice President Harris has responded by preparing an inauguration speech and changing the curtains in the oval office.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.