WASHINGTON, D.C. — In recognition of Biden's tremendous accomplishment of going one full day without more classified documents found at one of his residences, the White House has proudly hung a banner saying: "1 Day Without Classified Documents Being Discovered At President's House."
"From day one, the President has been very clear that going even one day without illegal materials being found at his home is a feat worth celebrating," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "We are proud to celebrate with the entire Biden family as we recognize somehow making it through an entire 24-hour period without more documents turning up!"
"Congratulations, Mr. President!"
Sources in Washington confirmed there will be a ceremony and a few remarks by the President this evening to celebrate the occasion. The ceremony will include some classified documents cake and some classified documents origami displays followed by a special reading of the classified documents.
UPDATE: The White House has been forced to take the banner down and cancel all festivities as more classified documents have been found at the President's home.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: