WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what has been labeled as "perhaps the most brilliant diplomatic win in US history" by entirely credible news sources like CNN and The Guardian, the White House has just dispatched the cast of the television series Queer Eye to negotiate a ceasefire in Gaza with Hamas.
Sources in the White House say that this move could be even better than President Biden's Gaza Relief Pier, and that there's really absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong in the plan.
"This is a win for equity, a win for diversity, a win for inclusivity…a win for America!" declared black and gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Our dear, dear friends from Queer Eye will know just how to put our darling besties from Hamas at ease. After all, what's more likely to inspire good-faith negotiation in Middle Eastern terrorists than a bearded dude in a dress and his harem of other gays…excuse me, I meant guys?"
Sources close to the cast of gay actors from Queer Eye state that the group is "thrilled" about their new assignment and can't wait to hit Hamas with "all the glam and rizz."
At publishing time, the cast had not been heard from for over five days after they met up with Hamas leaders.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
