In the wake of Louisiana's conflation of Church and State by mandating that the Ten Commandments be posted in every classroom, Democrats offered a compromise, stating that, while the original Ten Commandments are "hateful" and "out-of-date," they would be okay with having an updated version.
The Babylon Bee has obtained exclusive access to the 10 Democrat-Approved Commandments:
Thou shalt have no other gods besides thyself: For your desires take precedence over all.
Thou shalt not misgender thy neighbor in vain: For your teacher shall not hold you blameless.
Remember to wear skimpy clothes and keep them holey: You shall uncover your nakedness.
Thou shalt honor thy teacher and hate thy transphobic parents: You shall not tell your parents if you decide to chemically alter your body to pretend to be a different gender.
Thou shall not kill the sexual vibe the teacher hath created in the classroom: You shall know every detail of your teacher's sex life, for some reason.
Thou shalt not attain basic literacy: You shall use neither appropriate capitalization nor punctuation of any kind.
Thou shalt hate and bully the straight white male, for he is the worst: Persecute him and bless him not, for his sins are many.
Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless it's against Donald Trump in a court room: In that case, bear away.
Thou shalt not forbid abortion: Offer up your children to Moloch at every opportunity in the name of reproductive rights.
Thou shalt covet thy neighbor's everything: Everything he has should be yours, for he is privileged.
A great set of rules to live by. What commandments can you come up with? Let us know in the comments.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
