SOMERSET, MA — After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.

"No, Biden does not have cancer of any kind," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "He was just confused due to his dementia. We assure you the President is in perfect health. We're even having trouble keeping up with him!"

The White House doctor confirmed the statement, saying Biden is in perfect shape. "I just examined Biden this morning, and except for a fungal infection in his left armpit and some dementia, there's nothing wrong with him at all," he said.

The White House said Biden will give his own statement as soon as they have a chance to adjust his medications.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.