WASHINGTON, D.C. — Forced into playing defense following the deadly attacks perpetrated by Hamas, the White House aggressively denied the $6 billion it sent to Iran had anything at all to do with the $6 billion worth of rockets launched into Israel.
"Two completely unrelated amounts of money," said Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. "While it may be tempting to believe these wild, unsubstantiated conspiracies that we are somehow financing these attacks, the fact is it is entirely coincidental that Hamas fired exactly $6 billion in rockets at Israel immediately after we sent $6 billion to the Iranian government. Those are just two random numbers that just happen to be exactly the same."
Following the Biden administration's controversial decision to send Iran $6 billion as part of a prisoner swap, terrorist organization Hamas launched a large-scale, multi-pronged attack on both Israeli military locations and the civilian population. With the attacks later revealed to have been approved and assisted by Iran, fair-minded people around the world speculated the two situations may, in fact, be related. "Coincidence? No way," said skeptical American Dr. Nate Thomas. "They need to just admit that they screwed up and paid for a horrifically deadly terrorist attack. Denying it just makes them look silly. But that's a trademark characteristic of the Biden presidency, I guess."
At publishing time, sources within the White House were also forced to deny the receipt of a thoughtful "Thank You" card from Hamas for the generous gift had anything at all to do with taxpayer money being used to purchase weapons used to murder women and children.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?