NOVI, MI — Local corporate sales executive Chet Tetters downed his third Monster energy drink this morning, ensuring he has at least 180,000% of the daily value of vitamin B12 he needs to achieve peak health and performance.

"Yeah, just living the dream over here! Rise and grind, am I right?" said last month's 32nd-highest sales performer while chugging a 24oz Monster Energy Nitro Cosmic Peach. "I need to have access to 100% of my brain power for this morning's weekly KPI meeting. I think the taurine and l-carnitine make your brain work better. Say, is it me or is the room spinning?"

Sources indicate that for the past 3 years, Tetters has gotten 180,000% of his daily value of B12, 3,800,000% of his daily value of sodium citrate, and infinity percent of his daily value of ginseng.

"Most people don't have what it takes to be a top-performing rockstar like me, and that's because people aren't willing to do what it takes," said Tetters. "It takes a ton of fuel to power the beast, know what I mean?"

At publishing time, Chet Tetters had dropped to 34th-highest sales performer after spending a week in the hospital due to his heart exploding.

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