WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to public outcry that America has descended to the level of a banana republic, the Biden administration assured the American people that the United States is a democratic banana republic.
"These wild statements need to stop," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Any assertion that this country has turned into a banana republic is completely off base. We are a democratic banana republic, in which the people have the illusion of being able to elect leaders who completely wreck everything. It's an important distinction."
The Biden administration released a forceful statement declaring that their prosecution of political opponents was being performed in a very democratic fashion. "Yes, we jail political opponents just like in a banana republic - but the prosecutors are appointed by elected officials. It's all very democratic," explained the White House. "Our economic, political, military and moral decline has all been overseen by representatives chosen by a cabal of wealthy elites - but elites who also won elections that citizens could participate in. Those are the facts our critics do not want to admit."
President Biden has reportedly brushed off all mention of "banana republic" criticisms. "People keep saying we're a ‘banana republic,'" he said when questioned by the media. "I've never agreed with that. If we are a banana republic, where are the banana trees? Pure malarkey. A taco republic, or maybe a hamburger republic, you could talk me into."
At publishing time, the White House continued to deny allegations that the country has fallen to the level of a banana republic and threatened to jail anyone who claimed otherwise.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.