WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning development, the White House has announced that all claims that had previously been dismissed as "conspiracy theories" are, in fact, true, with the one exception of the claim that Joe Biden stole the 2020 Presidential Election.
"We can now admit all of them are real, except for that one," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to assembled media at a press briefing. "The CIA killed JFK? True. The Moon Landing was filmed on a sound stage? True. Those crazy, dangerous claims that President Biden was not legitimately elected? That's the only one that's totally bogus. For sure. Don't listen to any of that."
An alarming number of claims that had been made over the last few years have later turned out to be true, including social media platforms systematically suppressing conservatives, the government performing surveillance on citizens, pharmaceutical companies being aware that vaccines were not as effective as claimed, and this week's announcement that COVID-19 leaked from a laboratory in Wuhan, China. Despite all of this, the White House is adamant that President Biden is the most popular candidate in the nation's history.
"There is absolutely no evidence that the 2020 election was fraudulent," said one Biden advisor who also said there was no evidence COVID came from a lab. "Joe Biden absolutely received 81 million legitimate votes, and anyone who claims otherwise is a crazy conspiracy theorist!"
At publishing time, the Biden administration was maintaining its stance that the 2020 election was not stolen, while simultaneously preparing to announce that JFK Jr. was still alive, Barron Trump was from the future, and Q was right all along.
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