NEW JERUSALEM — Reports coming down from on high confirm Heaven will feature a fully stocked Buc-ee's convenience store and gas station. Saints will be able to fill up on delicious Beaver Nuggets and brisket sandwiches before evacuating their heavenly bowels in the world-famous restrooms.
A spokesangel explained, "He who has an ear let him hear; just as a father will not give his son a stone if asked for bread, none shall be refused a visit to Buc-ee's if their spirit yearns for it. So obviously there's a Buc-ee's in Heaven, for this is wisdom."
He continued, "But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have no part in Buc-ee's. Too bad for those guys."
According to sources, Buc-ee's CEO Arch Aplin III was deeply moved that the host of Heaven had accepted their bid for a new Buc-ee's location. "When the saints die and come before the throne to meet the Father for judgment, they'll also have Buc-ee Beaver waiting to receive them into his loving arms," he said.
The angel in charge of consumer reports data in Heaven speculates that the gas pumps will be a huge hit since there are no electric cars in Heaven and the only car available will be the 1977 Trans Am with a gold firebird painted on the hood.
At publishing time, Hell confirmed they will have plenty of Circle K locations.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
