NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks.
Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the pumpkin spice drinks are "actually pretty gross and don't really taste like either pumpkin or spice."
But Winters didn't listen and as the two fled the area, she craned her neck to get one final glance. Instantly, she was transformed into a pillar of pumpkin spice, along with her Uggs, North Face jacket, and yoga pants.
"Aw, man," her boyfriend sighed. "This is the third girlfriend I've had this happen to this month." Byers says he's probably gonna stay away from white girls in the dating scene, so that he doesn't have to go through a painful time of grieving as they are instantly paralyzed in a pillar of vaguely pumpkiny-smelling spices.
"But you know, she kinda had it coming," he said. "God is very clear: we are to forsake the things of the world, such as disgusting drinks from corporate coffee shops."
At publishing time, authorities had confirmed the street in front of the Starbucks was littered with "hundreds" of statues of white girls made entirely out of pumpkin spice.