WASHINGTON, D.C. - During a cabinet meeting this week, President Trump proposed a bold new strategy for protecting Americans from future earthquakes: Nuke California.
California has long been known for being home to highly unstable areas, such as the San Andreas Fault and UC Berkeley. Over the years, incredibly devastating earthquakes have laid waste to entire neighborhoods in Southern California, brought down bridges in Central California, and ruined a couple of games of Jenga in Northern California.
"I know lots of people in Los Angeles, in the movies. They love me over there! They won't admit it, but they do! They really do!" Trump declared during a recent rally, "But the earthquakes, they're a problem --a huge problem. Nobody's ever done anything about it! Been a state for 300 years and nobody's done a thing! So I'm thinking: They've got some earthquakes. We've got some nukes. Just a bunch of nukes laying around --more than anybody else in the world! I can tell you, nobody else even comes close! So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna bomb the [expletive] out of 'em! That's what I'm going to do!"
Despite the enthusiastic applause at the rally, several critics were quick to voice concerns.
"Trump needs to stop the shenanigans and stick to bombing people in third-world countries, like Obama and every other president in modern history!" CNN host Jim Acosta declared.
California Governor Gavin Newsom laughed off the idea, stating instead that he could easily get the earthquakes to leave the state if he simply taxed them enough. "Worked on everyone else!" he said.
At publishing time, several nuclear bombs were tentatively scheduled to be dropped "probably in the next week or so." Trump's approval rating has skyrocketed among non-Californians.