DYERSVILLE, IA — Donald Trump handily won the Iowa caucuses on Monday, giving him the opportunity to relax and do a little sightseeing, according to sources on the campaign trail.
The first thing Trump wanted to do was "go see those baseball ghosts." Aides attempted to inform him that "those were just in a book and movie," and that "ghosts aren't real," but he wouldn't be deterred, and the campaign bus stopped off at a barren cornfield in Dyersville.
"Baseball ghosts!" Trump hollered into the rows of corn. "Where are the baseball ghosts? I was informed there were baseball ghosts! Come out! You'd probably really love to meet me, it'd be really tremendous. Shoelace Tom? Where is Shoelace Tom, he was always my favorite. Cy? Where's Cy Cobb?"
"Heeeere, ghosty ghosty ghosty!"
After several minutes, a crestfallen Trump walked back to the bus with his head hung low.
At publishing time, Trump had purchased the land to build a Trump hotel after he heard "if you build it, they will come."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
