Delta Introduces New Short Plane For Special-Needs Pilots
Tech · Jan 16, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

ATLANTA, GA — In what some industry insiders have described as a clear case of "one-upmanship," Delta Airlines has raised the diversity, equity, and inclusion bar even higher after introducing its new "short plane" specifically designed for special needs pilots.

With increased scrutiny of late on airlines implementing DEI policies among crucial flight crew positions, the Atlanta-based airline giant took the unprecedented step of creating an entirely new model of aircraft to accommodate pilots who are either physically or mentally incapable of operating a standard aircraft.

"This is a huge step forward for the retarded folk, er, I mean, the special needs community," said Delta Airlines CEO Ed Bastain. "Those who are mentally and physically handicapped are severely underrepresented on our teams that operate multi-million-dollar aircraft and hold countless lives in their hands. Thanks to our new aircraft, no disability is too significant to keep someone from flying for Delta!"

People with special needs worldwide celebrated the announcement as Delta's engineering team unveiled some of the features of the new aircraft. "This new ‘Air Shortbus A330' is specifically engineered to meet the special needs of our new flight crews," said aerospace engineer Douglas Blank. "Wider aisles, super-tall toilets with handrails, and even a full-time employee in the cockpit at all times to shout ‘PULL UP! PULL UP! TURN! TURN! TURN!' to help impaired pilots. It's got it all."

At publishing time, Delta had booked Joe Biden to serve as a flight attendant on the inaugural flight.


It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.