It's something that's been debated by Bible scholars since the Earth was created some 6,023 years ago: what will the Mark of the Beast mentioned in the book of Revelation turn out to be? Well, it will no longer be debated, because we found a Calvary Chapel pastor and asked him, and he said it will definitely be one of these 17 things -- unless something happens in the Middle East that changes his mind next week:
- Starbucks holiday cup - If you've gotten a peppermint mocha latte this November, it may already be too late for you.
- Disney+ subscription - Was it really worth it just to watch The Mandalorian?
- Jamba Juice rewards punch card - When the 7th punch resounds, the Lord shall come again.
- Man buns - Followers of the Beast are easy to spot, and gross.
- Crocs - These holey abominations are, ironically, unholy.
- The 1982 Iron Maiden album The Number of the Beast - Kinda obvious, in retrospect. Better burn your copy on a bonfire and pick up some DC Talk before it's too late!
- Fanny packs - Dad goes looking for convenience and winds up a disciple of the Antichrist. Tale as old as time.
- Any Halloween decoration at your home - Your wife may have thought that cute inflatable pumpkin was innocent, but she was really giving your home over to the Enemy.
- The 1978 D&D Dungeon Master Guide - The later editions took out the Mark of the Beast microchips, so they are safe.
- Apple Watch - When firmware update 6.66 hit, that should have been your first clue.
- Any Los Angeles Dodgers gear - Obviously.
- Wristband from Taylor Swift's Eras Tour - Obviously.
- Ticket stub from The Marvels - This movie is woke garbage, and if you saw it, you have clearly been given over to Satan. Especially if you didn't think it was woke garbage.
- A high ESG score - A strong diversity rating means you can participate in the economy, but oh no! You're Satanic.
- Your finely tuned, perfectly balanced hybrid aggro/control deck in Magic the Gathering - Hope you're happy that it won the FNM tourney. You can revel in your victory IN HELL.
- Pokemon Go - Does anyone still play this? Yes. Devil worshipers do.
- The 666 tattoo on your hand and forehead the Biden administration will soon make you get to buy or sell goods - Kinda a gimme, but we suspect this one will be the Mark of the Beast for sure.
How many of these marks of the beast do you have in your home or on your person? Let us know in the comments, and try to collect them all!
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.