WORLD — Immediately after murdering his brother Abel in cold blood, Cain reportedly called for a total ceasefire.
"It's time to put a stop to the senseless violence," said Cain as he checked Abel's pulse to make sure he was dead. "Everyone can lay down their weapons now!"
According to sources, Cain had lured Abel out into a field and then initiated a surprise attack on the unarmed man. Cain then declared a ceasefire after mistakenly believing Abel to be dead. However, upon seeing Abel's legs still moving, Cain called off the ceasefire to bludgeon Abel a few more times, then announced the ceasefire was back on.
When the Lord came to question Cain about Abel's murder, Cain explained that he was simply decolonizing his family's land. "What did you think decolonizing meant?" said Cain, waving to his brother's body. "This was my land before Abel showed up! For years now, I have been kept in this open-air prison, tilling the land while my brother got to travel around with the flocks. I have done nothing but throw off the shackles of the oppressor!"
At publishing time, the Lord had gently informed Cain that neo-Marxist propaganda wouldn't work on anyone for thousands of years, so he better start running.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
