Cain Calls For Ceasefire After Killing Abel
Scripture · Nov 12, 2023 ·

WORLD — Immediately after murdering his brother Abel in cold blood, Cain reportedly called for a total ceasefire.

"It's time to put a stop to the senseless violence," said Cain as he checked Abel's pulse to make sure he was dead. "Everyone can lay down their weapons now!"

According to sources, Cain had lured Abel out into a field and then initiated a surprise attack on the unarmed man. Cain then declared a ceasefire after mistakenly believing Abel to be dead. However, upon seeing Abel's legs still moving, Cain called off the ceasefire to bludgeon Abel a few more times, then announced the ceasefire was back on.

When the Lord came to question Cain about Abel's murder, Cain explained that he was simply decolonizing his family's land. "What did you think decolonizing meant?" said Cain, waving to his brother's body. "This was my land before Abel showed up! For years now, I have been kept in this open-air prison, tilling the land while my brother got to travel around with the flocks. I have done nothing but throw off the shackles of the oppressor!"

At publishing time, the Lord had gently informed Cain that neo-Marxist propaganda wouldn't work on anyone for thousands of years, so he better start running.

Babylon Bee subscriber Tim G contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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