TULSA, OK — In a bold pledge, a local family has announced it will accomplish all of its Christmas gift shopping early this year, despite the fact that they will, once again, all be scrambling to stores at 5 P.M. on Christmas Eve later this year.
"This is the year! We're getting a head-start on it as we speak!" said a confident Mary Evans. "I'm already scrolling through Amazon to find the right gifts for everyone on our list, and before you know it, I'll have all of our shopping done so early this year! Wooo!"
Other members of the Evans family agreed that they would make every effort to accomplish the feat, though some of them privately expressed doubts. "It's a noble idea and everything, but let's be realistic," said one member of the family who asked to remain anonymous. "This is our family we're talking about. We've never had our Christmas shopping done before 10 P.M. on Christmas Eve. Never. My honest prediction? Mom will be frantically running from one store to another the night before Christmas with the rest of us, just like every year."
The Evans family reportedly has a history of making these types of lofty predictions that only yield disappointing results. Mary, however, has vowed to make this time different. "It won't be like all the other times!" she shouted. "You'll see! You'll all see!"
At publishing time, the staffs at 7-Eleven and Cracker Barrell were reportedly already preparing to have the Evans family arrive later at night on December 24th to do their Christmas shopping.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
