NEW YORK, NY—Well, this is more than a little odd.
Every single attendee of Bernie Sanders' town hall meeting on Fox News earlier this week has reported that their wallet has mysteriously gone missing.
"I know I had my wallet in my pocket, but after meeting Bernie Sanders, shaking his hand, and thanking him for everything he's doing for the country, I noticed my wallet was missing," said one woman from Brooklyn. "I noticed it on the way to the car. Really strange."
She wasn't the only one: every single attendee only later realized that their wallets were missing. Some women said their purses had apparently been rifled through, with the perpetrator taking every coin and dollar bill, as well as several breath mints and a comb.
Whoever did the stealing was crafty. The suspect left a note in each person's pocket or purse saying "Thank you for your willingness to help your fellow man."
After reviewing security footage, police are looking for an elderly man with white tufts of hair protruding from his head and "crazy eyes."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.