U.S.—A next-generation, ultra-HD console has been announced: Playing Outside.
The console is a cooperative venture between Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo. The three big players in the home console market pooled their resources to build what they're calling "the most advanced console ever."
Playing Outside has high-definition graphics, unlike anything you've ever seen before, incredible framerates, and high-resolution textures all the way down to the atomic scale, according to a spokesperson.
All games on the console are completely free-roaming, open-world adventures. You can level up your stats throughout the gameplay, whether you want to put a lot of points into athletics, intelligence, or a gender studies degree. The gender studies degree is already being called underpowered by beta testers, however.
"We've finally perfected graphics, sound, and even brand-new smell, taste, and touch technology," said a rep. "You won't believe how incredibly immersive and realistic this game is. It's like you're actually outside, playing with your friends. Because, you know, you are."
There is one major downside to Playing Outside: if you die in the game, you die in real life. Experts warn you should play the game carefully.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.