KENYA — Psychologists and anthropologists are baffled by early reports from a previously uncontacted African tribe that boasts zero mental health issues despite having no access to the excellent online therapy services of BetterHelp.com.
"This is an aberration unlike anything we've seen before," said Dr. Orbin Dyxed of UC Berkeley to cameras as colorfully dressed families danced in the background. "These stone-age people have no access to antidepressants, licensed therapists, or BetterHelp.com, yet they all seem totally happy. We have no idea why."
Universities around the world are responding by sending therapist missionaries to Africa to psychoanalyze individuals in the tribe and educate them on their undetected traumas.
When asked the secret to his happiness, the tribe's chief replied: "I go hunt, I come home, I eat, dance, make babies with wife, many beautiful babies, sometimes I wrestle a big snake. I can't possibly imagine what more anyone could want."
At publishing time, UC Berkeley had built a satellite campus next to the village and now everyone has a diagnosed mental health condition.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
