It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:
- Joel Osteen: Deceive twice as many people as last year
- John MacArthur: Finally kick root beer addiction
- Paul Washer: An increase of 15% in the number of Christians questioning their salvation
- Andy Stanley: Pastor the first all-gay megachurch
- Brian McLaren: Read the Bible for the first time ever
- John Piper: Finally complete the seashell collection
- Doug Wilson: Make one friend
- Rick Warren: Release The Purpose-Driven Life for Possums
- Stephen Furtick: 24-inch biceps
- Beth Moore: Release a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals
- Francis Chan: Continue making everyone who loved his work think he's gone crazy
- Kenneth Copeland: Cast horde of dragon-swine-cow demons out of the lavatory in the Gulfstream jet
- Alistair Begg: Convert everyone to speaking in a Scottish accent
- Phil Vischer: Call more things racist
- Ray Comfort: Finally memorize the 10 Commandments
- Benny Hinn: Increase profits by 400%
- David French: Perform in a drag show
Here's to 2024! The Babylon Bee hopes you make good on your resolutions. Some of you, at least.
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.