WORLD — Hamas is reeling after losing two of their most cherished leaders on the same day: military commander Saleh al-Arouri, and Harvard President Claudine Gay.
"This is a devastating loss for our organization and the world," said Hamas Leader Ismail Haniyeh while throwing a dart at a dartboard with a picture of a Jew on it. "Al-Arouri helped mastermind our glorious murder/rape party of October 7th, 2023. Claudine Gay presided over the preaching of our message Jew-hatred in America's Ivy League. This is an incalculable loss."
Ismail Haniyeh then went back to his game of darts while sitting in a jacuzzi and having his shoulders massaged by a high-priced escort from Dubai.
Eyewitnesses confirmed that al-Arouri was blown up by a rocket while innocently meeting with other innocent Hamas officials planning totally innocent and harmless military operations in the West Bank. Sources also verified that Claudine Gay was forced to step down. Both attacks are being blamed on the Jews.
At publishing time, Hamas had put two 'help wanted" ads in the New York Times to help them fill both positions.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.