We Asked 13 Evangelical Leaders What Their New Year's Resolutions Were, And Here's What They Said
Christian Living · Jan 2, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:

  • Joel Osteen: Deceive twice as many people as last year
  • John MacArthur: Finally kick root beer addiction
  • Paul Washer: An increase of 15% in the number of Christians questioning their salvation
  • Andy Stanley: Pastor the first all-gay megachurch
  • Brian McLaren: Read the Bible for the first time ever
  • John Piper: Finally complete the seashell collection
  • Doug Wilson: Make one friend
  • Rick Warren: Release The Purpose-Driven Life for Possums
  • Stephen Furtick: 24-inch biceps
  • Beth Moore: Release a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals
  • Francis Chan: Continue making everyone who loved his work think he's gone crazy
  • Kenneth Copeland: Cast horde of dragon-swine-cow demons out of the lavatory in the Gulfstream jet
  • Alistair Begg: Convert everyone to speaking in a Scottish accent
  • Phil Vischer: Call more things racist
  • Ray Comfort: Finally memorize the 10 Commandments
  • Benny Hinn: Increase profits by 400%
  • David French: Perform in a drag show

Here's to 2024! The Babylon Bee hopes you make good on your resolutions. Some of you, at least.


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