It's a New Year, which means it's time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:
- Joel Osteen: Deceive twice as many people as last year
- John MacArthur: Finally kick root beer addiction
- Paul Washer: An increase of 15% in the number of Christians questioning their salvation
- Andy Stanley: Pastor the first all-gay megachurch
- Brian McLaren: Read the Bible for the first time ever
- John Piper: Finally complete the seashell collection
- Doug Wilson: Make one friend
- Rick Warren: Release The Purpose-Driven Life for Possums
- Stephen Furtick: 24-inch biceps
- Beth Moore: Release a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals
- Francis Chan: Continue making everyone who loved his work think he's gone crazy
- Kenneth Copeland: Cast horde of dragon-swine-cow demons out of the lavatory in the Gulfstream jet
- Alistair Begg: Convert everyone to speaking in a Scottish accent
- Phil Vischer: Call more things racist
- Ray Comfort: Finally memorize the 10 Commandments
- Benny Hinn: Increase profits by 400%
- David French: Perform in a drag show
Here's to 2024! The Babylon Bee hopes you make good on your resolutions. Some of you, at least.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
