U.S. — In what has become one of America's most cherished annual traditions, a giddy nation will gather around its televisions this evening to see which young man will have his career killed by the Cleveland Browns.
The Cleveland Browns have reportedly refined their process of murdering careers over decades, turning their near-supernatural ability to extinguish potential into what many describe as a "well-oiled disappointment machine."
"Which bright young star will have his future crushed? Who will have their promising career systematically dismantled as they descend into utter despair? Find out tonight!" said ESPN's Todd McShay. "This is what it's all about, America."
Likening it to the Hunger Games lottery to see who will be ritualistically sacrificed, fans of every stripe have come to love the yearly custom of waiting in fearful anticipation of learning whose career the Cleveland Browns will be lowering into an early grave. "This is one of our favorite family traditions," said local man Gary Masterson. "We love gathering around, watching all the pageantry, and then seeing which player's career will be immediately mismanaged by Cleveland into sadness and ruin. You can see the shell-shocked look in their eyes, the knowledge that they will be selling insurance in a few years. It's incredible."
At publishing time, the NFL had graciously offered to pay for the Cleveland draftee's future State Farm agent business cards.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
