SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Upon realizing that he had somehow gotten stuck in a house with two gay dudes, local baby Christopher Ellison decided to put himself immediately back up for adoption.
According to sources, Ellison became suspicious that something was amiss when he heard Chappell Roan playing in the car on the drive to his new house. His fears intensified after discovering an impeccably decorated living room with fuzzy throw pillows on a retro couch.
"Nope, can't live like this," sighed Ellison as he surveyed the two incredibly well-groomed men. "Yup, that's definitely a Dallas Cowboys poster on the wall. Wait, did he just pull a turtleneck out of the dryer? Oh man, I have to get out of here."
Ellison reportedly filed paperwork within the hour, placing himself back up for adoption. "Their arms are hairy, their chests are flat, forget it," stated Ellison on his new adoption form. "I'm not spending the next 18 years hanging out with a couple of dudes. Send me anywhere else, people."
At publishing time, Ellison had gone back to the adoption center and revised his adoption request to read, "No Homo."
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