'We Are Living In A Fascistic Nightmare!' Screams Rioter Given Free Rein To Do Anything He Pleases On Streets Of Portland For Weeks

PORTLAND, OR—Sources indicate that a rioter, who had been given free rein by local authorities to do whatever he pleases on the streets of Portland for weeks, has been screaming at the top of his lungs for hours to get his message out that he believes we are all living in a fascistic nightmare.

The man, who was wearing a spiked leather jacket replete with anarchist symbols and wielding a large, heavy brick, had been marching down the streets of Portland smashing windows, setting fires, and throwing fireworks at retreating police officers while screaming non-stop for hours about how repressed all of us are under a “Cheeto Mussolini who wants to kill all trans people” and “oppressive system of fascism.”

When assembled media figures asked the man to elaborate with simple questions like “what is fascism?” and “what specific actions of the president lead you to believe he is acting like a dictator?”, the man only became more enraged and began setting even more fires.

At publishing time, local authorities had sent uniformed social workers to ask the man how the city of Portland could be less fascist and meet his perceived need for less fascism. 

Babylon Bee subscriber Dan Coats contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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