ANAHEIM, CA—A horde of vengeful animatronics, sitting bored on the Disneyland lot and growing increasingly agitated from California's 9-month lockdown, has broken out of the Happiest Place on Earth and begun to chase Governor Newsom down the street, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Newsom stopped by Disneyland to make sure everything was shut down and no one was having fun, having thought he heard the sound of children's laughter. It was a false alarm, though, as it was just the sound of people sobbing over having no food and no jobs. As he was getting back into his car, the horde descended upon the horrified governor.
"Stop right there!" shouted Buzz Lightyear while activating his laser eyes. "I'm reporting you to Star Command for a Code 8008!" The Space Ranger's lasers just bounced off Newsom's slicked-back hair, though.
"YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE IN FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN DEGREES OF PAIN!" moaned Abraham Lincoln as he shuffled toward Newsom. "I'M EMANCIPATING YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR BODY!"
The pirates of Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean ride weren't as reliable though, as they wandered away to break into Ballast Point Brewery to get some ale and started looking for an open strip club.
At publishing time, Newsom's car was being chased in a high-speed pursuit by Mater, who was shouting, "GET 'ER DEAD!"