WASHINGTON, D.C. - Some much-needed money is coming to people when they need it most, as everyone in Congress is now getting a $100,000 bonus for coming up with such a great coronavirus relief bill.

"This comes at a crucial time, as people like me are really struggling right now," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Struggling to afford that new Bentley."

Congress really felt they deserved this bonus, as they did such a great job putting together a relief bill, only taking a few months to agree on one. "We really worked hard on this," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "I mean, a day or two, we were here until seven... seven at night! And it's nice to get recognized for our hard work."

Not only will members of Congress be getting money, but the relief bill also gives $600 to regular Americans. "As far as I understand poor people," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "that's a lot of money for them. That's enough to fill up a pick-up truck bed with Doritos to stuff their fat faces. They're going to be very happy. And I think we in Congress deserve money -- real money -- for bringing them that happiness."