HELL—A shocking new report has been released which reveals that Hell does, in fact, serve beer, but unfortunately they only serve super-hoppy IPAs that taste like soap.
Longtime sinner and atheist Erick Bowser, who authored the report, died last week wearing an "I hope they serve beer in Hell" T-shirt. Bowser remained hopeful after his death, but he soon came to realize the only beer they had on draught in Hell was of the IPA variety.
Bowser arrived in Hell last Friday around 8 pm Hell Standard Time. He greeted Satan with a smile, stopped at a casino to make a few bets, and then headed to the nearest bar. Bowser reported that the joint was just like any other bar he'd been to. It smelled of urine, looked like someone had dragged several dead bodies across the floor, and was full of the nastiest kind of people.
Worst of all, when Bowser took a look at the beer list he noticed something strange.
"I looked at the tap list and it was really long," Bowser explained. "So naturally I was super excited. I saw Racer 5, Sculpin, Two Hearted, HopDevil, Hopsecutioner, Hop Hunter, and about 14 other beers featuring the word 'hop' in one way or another. But they were all IPAs. EVERY LAST ONE!" Bowser began to cry, but only because he had taken a sip of his Two Hearted Ale. "It was the worst day of my afterlife," he pouted.
Bowser eventually confirmed that every bar in Hell had the exact same beer menu. None of them served Bud Light, Coors, or even Colt 45. He was devastated and completely regretted being an atheist.